Avoiding

So, around my birthday, May, due to some prior circumstances I got extremely upset with an ex-girl friend of who i was attempting get back on the "speaking level". But ... She ends up royally pissing me off, and so I wrote some crazy ass shit on my Facebook profile like "I FUCKING HATE FAKE PEOPLE I WISH THEY ALL WOULD COMMIT SUICIDE..." and something else like "I KILLED A BUM AND THREW HIM THE RIVER, THEN KICKED THE DOG THAT WAS FOLLOWING HIM".. that some serious fuck up shit to be said. I know that, and that's how I vent. I say really fucked up stuff. Let me just say this, i've never actually killed anybody, nor have i ever even seriously hurt somebody. Although my older brother and i used to fight, a lot, and we still have our drunken wrestling matches from time to time.

To say something like i did is odd, but the thing is... i forgot that i had said it until today. I never look at my own profile, so i write stuff and forget what i wrote or what's even showing. But, like i said, i was reminded today by that bombshell i was talking about a few months back. You see apparently she read what i had wrote, and it frightened her. So from the time she i wrote that's violent things and up until today she had not spoken to me. After several attempts to contact her. Well, i was heartbroken instantly, somebody i cared for deeply had actually been avoiding me. She was scared for her future safety, which means i was in her future somewhere. Not sure where, but i was there!

Now I feel depressed, and i feel as though i've lost her, again! Which will be the 4th time. I suppose you have to have something before you lose it.. *sigh*

hmm..

Slam Poetry

I had the pleasure of watching Shihan the famous slam poet perform tonight. The event was held at the University that I currently attend. I didn't find Shihan's poetry insperational but his personality, and his devotion to his work. I did however pull some things from his poetry, and I wouldnt say it changed my views on things but rather helped me understand.

It has only been a couple day from my last blog, and believe me i've had nothing else other than that girl on my mind. After this evenings festivities and a brief talk with the girl, I can begin to think clearer and not let passion drive my actions. Passion is good to have, but when it isnt controled it is hazzardous. There is no point in being passionate if you cant focus it. This has been reacuring theme within my life. I've been a passionate being, but have never been able to focus it. Which is why I fail at most things i do.

I'm 21 years old, and it's the beginning of the endo for me, i am coming to realize that. This is to say, i'm getting to the point in my life where i need to start doing something with it, or else i'm going to remain a loser the rest of my life. For the past 3 years i've tried it on my own and it's not working. I need somebody to be there for me.. i need somebody that is willing to care enough to rip me a new asshole when i dont focus. I think way to much and dont act enough..

My Rambling thought will continue next time.

Popping the Cherry

I've been inspired. For years I've heard about bloggers, and people posting blogs, in the media. I know people of all walks of life, from all over the world have been posting blogs. To me that's just crazy. Tonight, I was talking to a friend, and while talking to her over AIM I stumbled upon her blog site. Let me make it clear; I care a great deal about this girl, and have for a long while. Do to the fact we have had an odd unique friendship I cant say that I really honestly know her. In other words, nobody would mistake us as best friends. In the past few weeks she has come back into my life, and I plan to keep her in my life. In order to do so, I need to build our friendship/relationship up. Seven+ moths ago in the fall of 2006 she left for France to study abroad, after having coming back into my life once I moved back to Indiana, from California. This going/leaving has become a theme in our relationship and honestly I'm sick of it. I know it hurt her emensly when I moved across the country. The same way it hurt me when she left to France!

This Blog is not going in the direction that I had intended, but I cant help it right now. I saw her for the first time last weekend sense last summer, and she is all that has been on my mind for the past 4 days. I know I can smother and crowd, she has just gotten out of a relationship less than 2 weeks ago, so I am trying very hard to play it cool. ....

I could write another 5000 words, but the late eve does not allow me to do. YaY my blog cherry has officially been popped, and it didnt even last that long, how disappointing, all the wait and anticipation. My Rambling Thoughts shall continue another day.